DOG KILLER!

Dog killer Dog killer Dog killer Dog killer Dog killer! DogkillerdogkillerDogkiller! DOgkilleRdoGkilleR! I hate your face!

New Years' Resolutions

So, last year I said I needed to buy a safe for important documents, I needed to send a fuck ton of money to my HOA and I wanted to change the carpet upstairs. Well, I paid the HOA what I owed them, but I still need to do the other two.


My New Years' Resolutions for this year are simple and few:

Pay off hospital bills - I have four, one of which will be paid off on February 3rd and the others will be done soon afterwards; my Uncle Sam is going to give me a butt-load of money he's been holding for me interest-free.

Pay off some credit cards - I have three. One of which will also be paid off in February. Yay!

NOT TAKE ANY DIRECT DEPOSIT ADVANCES! This is not cool. None, niet, niente. Nuh-uh. Not cool.

Do P90X.

I also need to fix Abs' birth certificate.

I need to set up an automatic transfer that moves $40 per paycheck to a savings account.

The end.

I liked my no-plan plan year. It was super cool.

The Great Weekend Debate:

Get all kinds of mandatory household chores done and feel good about myself and life in general?

Oooooooor. . .

Sit around on my ass all day reading books, playing video games, watching tv and feeling good about myself and life in general?




Decisions. Decisions.

UPDATE: DAMN STUPID DOMESTIC GODDESSITUDE! I just ate like four pancakes, I am so fucking full I can't breathe. OK, that's because my nose is stuffy and not the pancakes at all, BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT.
On the plus side, after several weeks of experiments I have perfected the art of the chocolate chip pancake - pour the batter onto the griddle and let it start to cook. Once you see the beginnings of bubbles, sprinkle a conservative amount of chocolate chips on the raw batter (I say conservative because I used Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate Chips and those bitches are RICH!). Flip when ready and cook the other side until the pancake is done. Voilà! Perfect. And deadly. DO NOT EAT MORE THAN ONE AND A HALF! YOU WILL DIE!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve To-Do List

Doing all this while charging the camera battery:

Stop by the butcher, pick up a joint of beef.

Go to Target, pick up baby stuff (this baby is so demanding, wanting food and shit. What the hell?).

Go to PetCo, pick up cat stuff (these cats are so demanding, wanting food and shit. What the hell?).

Go to grocery store, pick up frozen peaches, sour cream, Jimmy Dean Sausage, Red Potatoes, Rosemary, ????.

Go to Joann Fabric, pick up a zipper and red lining.

Come home, make a dress for CP's kid, wrap CP's Christmas presents, iron Ab's christmas dress, set up Christmas photo shoot in foyer, take Christmas photos.

Other shit as I think of it.
(Yes, I do realise I switch from emphasising the nouns to emphasising the verbs.)



None of which can happen until the laundry is out of the dryer, because I washed all my bras last night. Well, that's not 100% true, I can work on the dress and shit. I'll do that. You know what sucks about Christmas? The pressure of buying your loved one a gift. I can deal with the superfluous shit, dinner, buying/making/wrapping presents, decorations. All that is easy. It's the picking out a gift for Gary that kills me, last night I was all like I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD AND I NEED TO FIND A TANGIBLE GIFT THAT EXPRESSES ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU THAT ALSO SHOWS THAT I AM A GOOD GIFT GIVER AND THAT I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE AND THAT I DON'T ROYALLY SUCK AT CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Except I royally suck at Christmas and that shit is hard and I can't deal with this pressure!! *sobsobsob*

UPDATE: But instead of doing any of that, I have been fucking around on Pinterest. Fucking crack website

UPDATE UPDATE: I sent Gary out for the joint and the groceries while I went to Target. I forgot to charge the camera battery, though.

All I want for Christmas

Is my car detailed

2011 Movies

Have sucked balls. I haven't seen a movie since Captain America. How lame is that? Now come Christmas and I have to see
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Sherlock Holmes
Mission Impossible
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Iron Lady

Five movies? Really? To finish out the year? That blows. Oh, yeah - and that Twilight thing, I think it will be safe to go to that in January. It's sad when I'm more excited to MST3000 a movie than I am to actually watch one.
So, our traditional Christmas Double Feature might achieve the impossible and simultaneously suck and blow.

Domestic Goddess

I have been so domestic recently! Weekends of late, I've been getting up first, taking care of the doggies, baking some type of cake masquerading as breakfast food and cleaning house. It's because of Pinterest, I'm telling you - that website is evil! I loves it. I mention it because we had a division graze day and I baked rolls, a corn casserole and a crock pot cake.

Anyway, I have to:
Finish making wreaths
Make a dress for CP's daughter
Find a pattern for Christmas stockings
Make a suicide run to the mall on Friday

And that's it. Yay!

But right now, I have to go take a nap in the lounge - I've been up since six and I've had way too much junky food. My energy is in the toilet. Nap time


UPDATE: I did not get my nap, not for lack of trying - it was butt-ass cold in the lounge. It just wasn't working. Now I have a headache and I feel nauseated. Blarrrrrrr.

Please disregard my last post

PMS

Brain Vomit

I am so motherfucking grouchy today. And I have been for a while now, I donno why. Money troubles on my end, as per usual. I have it under control, but it still pisses me off. Fortunately for me, I have everyone’s Christmas presents purchased. (Except CP’s, she’ll probably happen on Sunday after I get $$$) I am just in such a state of BLLAAAAAAAAAAA! I blame the weather, the stress and the bad morale at work. I have been trying to stay positive, but it finally got to me. I’m going to take a mental health afternoon after Abs’ appointment to try to get my shit together. I am such a hot fucking mess right now. I think some time away from this stupid office will do me some good. I don’t know why I’m so panicky. I plan on going home, cleaning the fuck out of the house, doing laundry and re-fucking-laxing. We’re getting our tree today, Gary was going to go while I was at work, but now I figure I can go too! Yay!
Ugh, I hate feeling like this.

Anyway, all that bullshit aside, life is going pretty darn well. Every one is healthy and happy. I think the problem is a touch of depression, but I’m not going to put up with that crap at all. Sometimes I have time to be depressed, sometimes it’s even a wee bit fun to wallow in depression for a while, sometimes I’ll let myself. This is not one of those times. I don’t feel like being depressed right now. I’m just not in the mood. So, in the words of Al Swerengen, “I have to deal with that.” So myhouse needs to be cleaned, my laundry needs to be washed and put up, my dog needs a bath, my bedroom needs a vacuum, my couch needs to be cleaned, my bookcases need to be dusted, my floors need to be mopped. (Can you tell I’m having mental health issues? That list was not intended to be that specific)

Speaking of mental health issues, my Hula director had to put her family cat down on Tuesday. And that is sad, but everyone has to do it, right? I almost lost my shit (in fact, I’m about to lose my shit right now just thinking about it). I miss Satan Kitty so much! I don’t know why, but hearing about Buttons last night really really killed me. I’m a mess.

I can’t believe how long I’ve got with out blogging for this long. I can’t keep this shit in my head, it’s not good for me.

Anyway, I have actually had a really fantastic couple of weeks – San Francisco was teh awesome. My shoes went fucking CRAZY and tried to kill me and we weren’t in a position to do anything about it (we were at the Warf of all places. Really? Fisherman’s Warf? I haven’t been there for a bazillion years) for a couple of hours. So Jena gave me one of her hard-core pain killers and O LORD IN HEAVEN that was fun! Everything was just so happy! The extra funny part was Erin wanted to go to the Maritime Museum and visit the Balclutha which is a three-masted full-rigged ship. So me. Stoned. On a Ship. Oh yes. It was so frickin amazing I can’t even begin to tell you. Anyway, eventually I did have to buy new shoes and I got these bitchin teal Sketchers and I loves them. I loves them with all my <3. linky I of course, do not actually run in them. I ride my bike in them. Does that count? I do loves them, I would run in them, if I were to run. But I don’t. Anyway, after we got home from SF, my sister turned into a giant snatch and I don’t believe I’m obligated to put up with that shit so.. . I didn’t. Thanksgiving was quite lovely, Gary bought a fresh, not frozen, turkey and it was just about the tastiest thing I have ever ate. Holy carp, if you have the motive and opportunity to try a fresh turkey, DO IT! My birthday was also nice, I had to take my mom to the airport that day, so we had birthday breakfast. I had waffles. My mom had been in Leipzig, home of J.S. Bach (sorta) so she brought me a CD of the Thomanerchor! LOVE! Bach Bach Bach! (I am such a nerd)

Since then I have had the Bella Voce concerts (No solo for me, why? Donno) and some of the girls convinced me to go to the Santa Pub Crawl (dress up like Santa, get shitfaced). I texted my gay husband and asked if he was planning to crawl and fortunately for me, he was. Because the BV girls ditched me. Sorta. They were going to meet up my our mutual friends M&M. Well, I told M to call me when he was situated at a bar and I would join him, well, turns out the mobile network was so overloaded that it almost crashed, so M couldn't get in touch with me. I went down to the basement of the Eldo and hung out with Sara for a bit, her plan was to head over to the pneumatic diner (veg restaurant, so yumz) and hang with the cast of Peter Pan. So I had pie and waited for phone calls. Seriously, it was the BEST PIE EVER! I have had some good pie in my life, but this was truly and without-hyperbole the best pie I have ever had. I’m kind of drooling thing about it. Anyway, I get the call from Ian, “I’m at The Five!”
I’m all, what the hell is The “Five?”
“Erm. . . The Five Star?”
“Ok, I am so not down with the hip lingo.”
Seriously, I have never heard it called The Five before! It’s always been The Five Star, or That Gay Bar on West. I’m clearly not cool. So I Marched my happy (cold) ass over to West and got in line behind Snooky of Reno. She was obviously in the wrong place, she was here for some, and I quote: “Dick-sucking action.” Um. . . 1st EWWW! And second, gay bar? She was hysterical (well, she didn’t mean to be, but I and the lovely gentlemen she was hitting on thought she was a hoot.). The lovely Gentlemen had some Hot Damn and some Jack Daniel’s Honey Whiskey Liquor something something. I do not like Jack Daniels. I think it tastes like kakapoopy. THIS tasted like Christmas! It was the best thing EVER (not like the pie, this time I am being hyperbolic). It was so good! Holy Schneikies, if you get a chance, try it! So, I was feeling a lot warmer and we were getting so close to the front of the line! The lovely Gentlemen decided I was coming in with them and we all danced on in. I found my husband we stayed there until 2. If you ever need an ego boost, go to a gay bar. Gay men LOVE women. LOVE them. My hair is pretty, my boots are pretty, my shirt is pretty, my boobs are pretty, I’m pretty, my daughter who they've never met, seen or heard of before is pretty. Awwwww, I love gay boys. And I love bar tenders. Ours kept serving me this drink that was mostly Bailey’s Jameson and Half and Half. Nom Nom Nom! I’m not supposed to drink too much Bailey’s because it hangs me over something fierce, but it was damn worth it. I was noticing that there were a LOT of wayward straight people looking mighty uncomfortable, I think they just saw the queue and hopped on, not knowing what they were heading into. Anyway, 12:30 rolls around and I want to go home. Not to Kai’s house or Ian’s house. Home. So I called Gary. And he came and got me. At 2:00 in the morning. He’s so nice. I had to take my boots off to walk to my car, so when I got to the car, I threw my socks away. I’m not saying it made sense, it’s just what happened.

So, it was nice to go behave like a monkey for an evening.  And I have a whole boat load of other social obligations coming up, as well Friday night I have a graduation/Halau Christmas party to go to Saturday a whole freaking boatload of us are going to see Peter Pan at the Eldo, Sunday there is a holiday open house at one of my co-workers. (it’s in Dayton, so I’m not sure if I want to go, but I like her, so I might). Monday I have my last Bella Voce concert at the Carmelite Monastery, after which there is a bitchin Eldo BBQ. Tuesday is our division’s Graze Day, and Wednesday is HHS’ Chili Day, which I am obligated to take part in due to geographic proximity.

Other than that, I need to wrap Gary and Abby’s presents, finish work presents, put some garland and bows over my front door, purchase and decorate the tree and it will be over (except for the Christmas day part).

Then it will be the New Year, in which I resolve not to take ANY direct Deposit Advances, ride my bike to work as often as responsibly possible, and to do P90X.

YAY!

I feel much better now, I don’t know if it was the bitch session or the prospect of an afternoon off. Either way, I feel better.

Where are they taking the hobbits?

Oh yeah, I remember. I remember that I LOVE THESE MOVIES!! You loves them too.

So. . . Ummmmm. . .

Whilst looking up a recipe for buttermilk pancakes, I might have become distracted and purchased Mothership and Rumours, instead. . .


Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'Lorin! Why didn't you own Mothership and Rumours before now? What the hell?'

My response to you would be, "Erm. . . ? Shut up!"

I am not, unfortunately, shitfaced. I just have this song stuck in my head.